WEAPONS OF ASS DESTRUCTION

Okay, okay, I don't want to annihilate my ass - I just want it reduced to a petite, smoldering pile of embers:  embers small enough to squeeze into a size 12 pair of jeans - hip hugging jeans. Not the kind my mother wore.  You know, the kind specifically manufactured for an unsexy Mom?  The kind that left an indelible mark around her ample midriff.  The same kind of "scar: left by those, now classic, sanitary belts all the rage throughout the Middle Ages.  No, I want to fit in jeans that will cut off circulation to my lower extremities when I wince my way into a low back chair.